Mind Games Arc
by firewolfsg
Summary: mm Rape and aftermath Youji awakens to the horrific reality of his actions and Weiß wonders if it is possible for a friendship to survive the cruel game played on them. Sequels?
1. Mind Games - Part 1

This was my first Weiß kreuz story which I released to the Mailing Lists way back in May 2000.

Spoilers for:   
Anime: Mission 2 - Fort Laufen; Mission 21 - Trane; Mission 23 - Schraube; Mention of the anime series ending;   
Manga: Weiß2: An Assassin and White Shaman; Dramatic Collection II ~ Endless Rain.   


* * *

**DISCLAIMER: Kyoko Tsuchiya and Project Weiß hold the copyright over all names, likeness and rights of Weiß kreuz. All these characters and materials are used without permission, and I'm not profiting from this piece of fan fiction.**

Fic Setting: Post-anime ending, but pre-OAV. I'm assuming that Weiß has already settled into the new nature of their mobile operations.   
Notes:   
In the design of the mobile Koneko no Sumu Ie from the OAVs, I noted a lack of sanitary facilities and sleeping quarters, so in this fic I decided to house the boys in a converted warehouse. One that they can drive their trailer van into and is an open concept, studio-loft design.

There are two entrances to the building. The garage doors, which the vehicles (the trailer van and Youji's roadster) drive through and a side door, which the members use if walking. The ground floor holds the bathroom, kitchenette and dining / living room. The parking area of the vehicles and the stairs to the bedroom loft flanks the living room. The kitchen, bathroom and laundry area with wardrobe is situated under the loft to the back of the building.

The warehouse has no windows, except for one skylight over the bedroom area. The loft has four beds laid in a row with side tables and lamps separating them. Aya has the bed furthest away from the stairs which is also against the wall; Youji, the bed beside him; then comes Ken's bed; and Omi has the bed nearest the stairs. They have one small chest of drawers against the wall, and at the foot of Aya's bed, which holds their intimates and less bulky clothing.

If I write another post-anime WK fic, I'll probably continue to use this set up. If you want to use this design too, please give credit for the inspiration. ^_~

# 

* * *

**Mind Games**

**Part 1**   
By **[Jacque Koh][1]**   
**May 2000**

Predawn... it was still a couple of hours before the sun would rise, yet Youji Kudou found himself awake and alone, nursing a no longer cold can of beer in the tiny living room of the mobile Koneko no Sumu Ie. His cigarette drooping from his lips with a long trail of ash. 

Normally this early hour would find him snugly entwined in his bed sheets, dead to the world and dreaming of his many conquests; or having a nightmare of that one woman who had meant the most to him. Sometimes he even dreamed she still lived, and he was lying in bed expecting her arrival with the rising sun to drag his ass to work. 

He hated those dreams. Hated them because of the hope they brought to his heart. Hated them because they would leave him feeling crushed and lonely when he awoke to the reality that was without her. And he did know so well that she was lost to him forever now. Now that he had personally strangled her with his wires while she lay across his back, gasping words of love to the monster Masafumi with her last breath. 

No... to be fair, Youji had to admit he never was able to confirm without a shred of doubt that the Schreient woman, Neu, was really a brainwashed Asuka. As much as his heart told him that they *were* one and the same, the two women were as different as day and night. Asuka, he had loved with all his heart, but Neu... she was a woman filled with treachery and cruelty. And even if the physical women were so similar, if he thought of it hard enough, he could rationalise that Asuka and Neu just *looked* alike. Just like Tomoe Sakura looked like Aya-chan. 

/Aya./ The name slammed Youji's wandering mind back to the present. 

Predawn and he wasn't in his bed in that little loft of the converted warehouse, which was the current abode of Weiß. Instead, he was seated in the living room of the trailer van that Weiß now operated in, which was parked inside the warehouse and below the shared bedroom, trying to come to terms with what had happened hours earlier. Outside and up the stairs that lead to their somewhat cramped sleeping quarters, Ken and Omi were handling the immediate fallout. 'Fallout.' Youji snorted at his dispassionate description of the situation. Aya didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve... 

Youji laid his forehead on the coffee table. He couldn't remember-- couldn't even *begin* to imagine how they had ended up in that position. He lit another cigarette, taking in a shuddering lung full of smoke as he tried to calm himself again. Pushing himself to fall back on his old profession as a private investigator and trace the steps that lead to... last night. 

He had been moody and depressed for over a week and the others had at first given him his privacy over it. The nightmares had also begun then. Though he managed to control himself and refrain from waking up screaming and disturbing the others, he hadn't managed to evade Aya's notice. The previous night, Youji had awakened sweating and breathing heavily with the scream again killed in his throat before it found voice; He had felt Aya's lavender eyes on him. Ken and Omi were fast asleep in their beds on the other side of him, but in the bed that was against the wall, Aya was looking at him expectantly. He had been afraid then that Aya would say something, but the redhead didn't. The promise in his gaze though, said that they would be speaking later when the others weren't around. 

They found their chance last night when Manx came by to offer them a mission. Ken and Omi had been surprised when Aya chose not to take the mission since he normally took all offered missions. But they didn't make too much of a fuss. They understood as well as Youji did that the redhead wanted a few quiet hours to speak with him. 

He did not resent it. Youji swore that he did feel some relief for the concern Aya was showing him. To tell the truth, he expected it really. Aya's friendship had always been quiet and undemonstrative. As observant as Youji was, he still couldn't pinpoint when he first noticed its appearance. It had always seemed to be there as a comforting presence. Even Ken and Omi were aware of this almost special connection between them. Not that it wasn't strained occasionally. Especially during the days when he had ignored Aya's anxiety for his missing sister and taken in Neu at face value as his restored Asuka. 

Youji flushed at the memory. Aya had every right to say 'I told you so' and rip into him for believing Neu's lies after they were all lead into a trap and nearly killed. But he didn't. Neither did he turn accusing eyes at him for interfering in taking down Schreient and retrieving his sister from them. Instead, he had stayed silent while Youji grieved over his shattered illusions. That quiet friendship and comfort still there and held out to him when he felt ready to take it again. But now... Youji feared that it was lost to him forever. 

/How?!/ He wanted to howl his confusion. Reviewing his memories again and again gave him no answers. Youji couldn't remember what happened between the time Ken and Omi left them for their mission and his waking up hours later with... 

Youji knew that he was only alive because Ken had taken off his gloves before climbing the stairs of the loft; having removed his assassin gear to get ready to retire after the mission. Otherwise, the younger man's bugnucks would have been ripping him apart, for sure. Youji was aware of how things must have looked to the other two members of Weiß. To return from their mission to find him spooned behind and embedded within their bound and gagged friend, whose tears and blood liberally soaked the sheets they were entangled in. 

At later reflection, Youji knew he was fortunate that Ken had only dragged him off and thrown him to the floor. He would not have blamed Ken if he had instead decided to throw him over the balcony of the loft to the living cum dining room below first, before straddling his recumbent body and proceeding to beat the shit out of him. Coming from deep slumber, he couldn't adjust to what was happening when hard fists rained down on him while he lay pinned to the floor and against the balcony of the loft. He had been totally off balanced until he heard Aya's hoarse call for Ken to stop. 

It was only when Ken turned towards the voice that the full horror hit him... when he saw Omi kneeling beside his bed rubbing Aya's pale arms, trying to help him restore the circulation to numbed limbs that had moments earlier been bound with wire. Aya... bruised, bloodied... what was left of his clothes hanging in shreds on his trembling frame. He had turned his tear-streaked face toward them then, his chest heaving with the effort to stop crying as he choked out the name of the instigator. 

"Schuldich... Youji wasn't-- aware of what-- of what he was doing. It-- was-- Schuldich-- Youji-- wasn't-- I-- It's-- not-- his fault-- " 

After that, Youji was looking through a fog at the events that followed. In the face of Aya's determined conviction that they not blame him, Ken had buried his anger to pull him to his feet and lead him down the stairs and through the living room. He remembered that Ken had kept his voice kind as he placed a towel in his hands and suggested he clean himself up. 

"Youji? Youji, I have to go help Omi. Aya needs us right now. Can I leave you here alone?" 

He had looked blankly at Ken then, still in shock. 

"Youji? Listen to me." Ken looked straight into his eyes. "Aya said it wasn't your fault. We know Schuldich is a telepath. We even saw him take control of Sakura-chan once and make her shoot Aya in the arm." Youji could see Ken trying to keep the blame out of his expression, though there was a glimmer of understanding in his eyes. "He must have somehow learned how to take control of you. We'll puzzle this out later, okay? I'm going to leave you alone for a while. Will you promise me that you won't do anything stupid?" 

He had nodded then and Ken left him standing before the bathroom that was situated under the stairs. He had numbly run a shower to wash his body clean of blood, semen and sweat before rooting through the clothes hamper for something to wear, dressing and quickly retreating into the trailer. Youji couldn't see himself sitting in the living room of the warehouse where he would be able to hear Ken and Omi ministering to Aya's injuries above him. Neither did he want to be in the position to see them hurrying from the taps on the ground floor to the loft, carrying basins of warm water and clean towels. 

Omi had run down once to check on him when he was looking through the kitchen cabinets for a lighter or a box of matches. It wasn't that they didn't trust him, he could understand that they were worried that he might reach for the handy knives available in the small kitchen. He was thankful that they could still feel concern for him after... 

/How did it happen?!/ He didn't know. Couldn't remember anything... 

The first rays of dawn streamed through the skylight of the warehouse and fell on the window of the trailer, making Youji look up. //"He must have somehow learned how to take control of you."// Ken's words flashed in his mind again. "K'so. I-- I'm a danger to them. I can't-- I can't stay here." 

* * *

Ken was glad to see Aya finally falling asleep with the help of the sleeping pills. How they had found their two older friends... It was a shock to them and neither had any idea of what to say to comfort the violated man. The only thing they could think of doing was to clean him up and make him comfortable. So in that regard, Omi had cradled Aya in his arms, lending his support to their trembling friend while Ken gently used a damp towel to clean the blood, sweat and semen from his body. 

It worried them that Aya hadn't spoken again after calling Ken off Youji and exonerating him of all blame. It did not seem like a possibility, but their silent friend appeared to them to have become quieter and more reclusive. They truly had no idea what they could do to try and draw him out. They didn't know if they should even try and get him to talk just yet. At least he trusted them to take care of him, and it seemed enough for now for him to let them soothe the physical wounds, dress him in clean pyjamas and help him into his own bed. However, an unspoken question still lay between them of whether Aya would let them take him to see a doctor for a proper check up later. 

Ken closed his eyes at the memory of the amount of blood he had cleaned from Aya's lower body and thighs. Now that he had cooled down somewhat, Ken realised that he rejected the idea that Youji-- *their* Youji could have been that cruel and thoughtless. The Youji they knew would never have-- done what he did to Aya. 

Besides, though the two older Weiß members were close, he and Omi were well aware that their relationship had never been sexual. Youji occasionally tried to flirt with Aya and make Ken and Omi blush, but that was all it was, the harmless teasing of close friends. Now, Ken had to wonder how that friendship could possibly survive this-- betrayal. 

A soft whimper drew Ken's attention back to the sleeping redhead, his expression tensed and distraught as he lay caught in the depths of a nightmare. "Aya, it's okay. You're safe now." Ken slid his hand over Aya's trembling fist as he spoke gently to the sleeping man. "It's over, Aya. It's just a nightmare. Schuldich isn't here. Shhh, we won't let anyone hurt you." 

It took a moment longer, but Aya's breathing eventually smoothened again as the nightmare lost hold of him. Ken crooned softly to him, deeply worried at how vulnerable Aya had seemed to become in the space of one night. It was not an aspect of the man that Ken could ever recall seeing and it shook him. 

With Aya lost as he was in a drugged sleep, Ken found himself unable to resist threading his fingers through the momiage that lay across his friend's cheek. 'Vulnerable'... the word surfaced in his mind again as he regarded his pale friend. It was not a word that Ken would normally use to describe his contemporary. But to be honest, there were many words he had used previously to describe the man, before he got to know him well, that did not fit the true self. 

'Painfully practical.' Those were the words Youji had once used to describe their redheaded compatriot. They could not find a better description for the way he dealt with life. He was painfully practical and analytical to a fault with how he dealt with Kritiker missions, the very qualities that made him their de facto leader in field operations. Aya was definitely not one to allow emotional involvement interfere in their missions, a point which brought him to clash with them occasionally until they came to a better understanding of him. He wasn't cold and emotionless as they initially thought he was. He was in control. 

Where they were still occasionally swayed by their emotional disquietude on missions, Aya still managed to maintain his centre. His calm acceptance of losses among the innocent and the willingness to do what ever is needed to be done to complete a mission, occasionally put him at odds with them. But he was not cold and unfeeling. Case to point, they had had to watch him in anything that had direct connection with Takatori, or his sister. Either involvement, they discovered, were a sure catalyst of an emotional outburst. The few times they had seen him actually lose control showed them that his emotions were as passionate and fervent as their own. 

However, they were relieved to know that Aya still drew a line in his responses on certain missions. If he had not, then it would have been a certainty that Sakura-chan would have died for coming between him and his target that fateful day. As much as he would deny it, he did care about the girl. 

A faint smile pulled on Ken's lips as he further recalled their debriefing with Manx after the SS affair. Aya had blushed as red as his hair, when he was found out to have been sponsoring a sick child who was a patient of the same hospital Aya-chan had been staying at. Manx had uncovered that little gem when she and Birman were helping them wrap up their affairs in Tokyo. The little orphaned girl, Mie Yamada, was a sister of one of the casualties in a human tournament that Weiß had shut down. Apparently, Aya had taken upon himself to see to the girl's welfare, while continuing the charade that her brother still lived, to spare the child any heartache. However, with their departure from Tokyo, it was more than a little awkward for Aya to continue to support her. Fortunately, Persia had agreed to continue the sponsorship and look into ways to have the girl adopted as well. 

Aya had stoically endured their teasing and gave them his infamous glare, but they were already long on to him and his uncaring façade now. The new bit of information only reinforced their opinion that Aya was far more soft-hearted than he cared to let on. Then there was his subtle and round about way of showing concern for them when he took his turn with housekeeping duties... When he'd make sure he'd prepare one of their favourite foods on the days when they felt particularly stubborn and unwilling to eat... When he'd softly recount something he had read within their hearing to be taken as advice... And there was that special friendship which had grown between him and Youji. 

Ken cursed softly at the reminder. "Damn you Schuldich." 

If he had not stripped off his gloves before ascending the stairs to the loft... Ken shuddered to think what he would have done to the older man in his wild fury. In that, they had been fortunate. The situation, he realised, would have been far worse if Ken had killed Youji. For Aya's sanity, they had to talk and resolve matters between them. And if that friendship did not survive... Ken had to wonder if he and Omi were able to fill the void for the two men, or if this would eventually tear Weiß apart. 

"Ken-kun?" Omi's soft call drew Ken out of his thoughts. "I can't find it." 

Ken turned away from his silent contemplation of their redhead friend to look at where Omi knelt beside Youji's remade bed. They had earlier decided to remove the offending sheets for burning and were in fact determined to get rid of all the white sheets in favour of replacing them with coloured or patterned sheets. Anything to avoid reminding Aya of what had transpired that night. They were sure that Youji and Aya would approve of what they intended to do. 

"Did you sear-- " 

"I looked through the bed sheets and covers." Omi's expression clearly reflected his distaste for that activity. "The earring wasn't there, Ken-kun." 

Ken cursed under his breath. He and Omi had noticed its lack earlier, but since Aya seemed disinclined to speak, had not asked him about it. Their first thought was that it had been accidentally dislodged. "That earring means a lot to Aya. It *must* be here somewhere." 

"Un-- unless someone took it." Omi reminded him with a hard voice. 

"Schuldich." Ken spat the name out in barely concealed rage. It was a valid notion. They could believe the German to be the kind who would take trophies. 

"Ken-kun, we can deal with him later." The younger boy rose to his feet wearily to head towards the stairs. "I'm going to get Youji-kun, we all need to rest. None of us had much of that last night." 

Ken looked down at the now peacefully sleeping Aya and brushed the fringe out of his face tenderly. "We'll get it back, Aya. I promise." 

'Painfully practical' the description leaped at him again making Ken shudder in discomfort. Something told him that Aya was going to be as ruthlessly practical with himself as he was on missions. "Don't, Aya. For your own sake, you need time to handle your trauma." 

A clatter of footsteps alerted Ken to Omi's hurried ascent to their sleeping quarters. "Youji-kun's *gone*." 

**tbc**

* * *

Thanks for reading.

[Jacque Koh][1]

   [1]: mailto:firewolf@pacific.net.sg?Subject=WK - Mind Games



	2. Mind Games - Part 2

**DISCLAIMER: Kyoko Tsuchiya and Project Weiß hold the copyright over all names, likeness and rights of Weiß kreuz. All these characters and materials are used without permission, and I'm not profiting from this piece of fan fiction.**

* * *

#  **Mind Games**

Part 2   
By **[Jacque Koh][1]**   
**May 2000**

The first thing Youji had done upon leaving the warehouse was to find a public bathhouse so that he could scrub himself clean again. He spent a long time there, washing and scrubbing at his body until his skin felt like a prune. It did nothing to cleanse him of the guilt he carried, but it felt more through than the shower in removing any lingering physical reminder of the previous night. Then he took a walk through the busy streets of Kyoto, finally ending up at a quiet contemplation glade near a temple in the late afternoon. 

He remembered that one time when Aya was driving, he had stopped their trailer van outside the gates for a short while and made mention of the peaceful gardens within. Now that he was standing there, he understood what Aya had been trying to say to them in his round about way. It was a good place to go to think and gather one's thoughts when troubled. And now that he had time to reflect on his actions, Youji did realise that running away had been a dumb thing to do. 

For one, Schuldich's presence told them without a doubt that Schwarz had survived the sinking of the island at their last confrontation. Why they were in Kyoto too, couldn't be determined as yet, but at that moment, Youji was clearly vulnerable to an attack by them; Though being attacked didn't trouble him as much as the thought of Schuldich again seizing control of him and sending him back to hurt his friends. 

"I will kill myself first." /But what if you don't have a chance to?/ A tiny voice spoke up in his mind. /You certainly didn't have a choice last night./ The memory of the tearstained face with shattered lavender eyes haunted him again. "How, damn it? What did Schuldich do to me?" 

"Tsk, tsk. Talk about ungrateful. What are you so upset about? I thought you enjoyed it." 

Youji swung around in the direction of the voice to see the smirking German leaning against a tree. 

"What? You haven't got the guts to admit it?" 

The smirking grin set Youji's blood boiling. He pulled out a length of wire in readiness as he faced the Schwarz redhead, thankful for the foresight that made him bring his watch with him. "I don't remember any of it. *You* controlled me!" 

"Perhaps, but you wanted me to." 

"What?!" 

"Oh come on. Don't tell me you've never thought about it before." Schuldich rolled his eyes as he pushed himself away from the tree and stalked closer. "I can read your mind, Yo-tan. Didn't we fulfil your every desire last night?" 

"I've never-- !" 

"No?" Schuldich suddenly disappeared from before him and reappeared behind him, forcing Youji to swing around abruptly. "Wasn't it what started all your nightmares? These last few months... You forgot-- what's her name-- Asuka." 

Youji stiffened at the mentioned name and sent his wires flashing out at the redhead. "Don't you dare bring her memor-- " 

"Held her so close to your heart for over two years and yet you forgot her. And replace her?" Schuldich easily evaded the wires and leaped over to another part of the garden. 

"What the hell-- ?" 

"Little Sakura-chan was admittedly difficult to control, Yo-tan. Yet, you were so easily to manipulate. Tell me, how long have you been hiding your feelings?" 

Youji send his wires flying out again. Refusing to answer or play the German's game. Schuldich laughed and suddenly appeared right behind Youji to grab an arm and twist it behind his back. Youji growled and made to escape the hold when he abruptly realised that he couldn't move. 

"Yes, little kitty, you are so much easier to control." Schuldich forced him down on his knees. "Sakura-chan had no wish at all to hurt her dear Aya-san. But you? You did want so much to f@$k the so tasty Ran Fujimiya." 

"What?!" 

"Denial is such a sad state." Schuldich whispered into Youji's ear, letting his breath stir at the locks of hair which hung at the side of his head. "Don't you even know how much you like having him near you? Do you ever admit how much his presence gives you comfort?" 

"He is my friend!" Youji couldn't withhold the shiver that Schuldich was evoking with his breath against his face. He struggled to move, but his body refused to obey the shrieking commands of his mind. He realised Schuldich had him again. 

"And you've never ever wondered or wished that it could be more?" The redhead released him and strode around to stand in front of the kneeling man. Schuldich gripped Youji's chin and forced him to look into his eyes. "Liar. 

"You can't lie to a telepath, Yo-tan. You want to know the source of your nightmares? What drew me to you like a moth to a flame?" Schuldich whispered to him. "Guilt. And of course, an opportunity to share one Ran Fujimiya." 

"Bastard." 

"It didn't take very much, Yo-tan. I'm surprised you remembered so little of it." Youji trembled as Schuldich picked up a length of wire and pulled it between his fingers in front of him. #You've always wanted to do this, haven't you? You were *so* tempted that first time when you had him in your bed, only it was much too early to make your moves on him, wasn't it? Didn't you feel the passage of years so agonising long, with little chance to explore that idea?# 

Youji flushed with that memory of when Aya had first joined Weiß. But he swore to himself that he *hadn't* had any intentions towards him. He was only teasing the reticent man about the bed when he woke up. It was true that he had on occasion just watched Aya to admire the lines of his body, but he valued Aya as a friend. It had never crossed his mind to consider him as a potential lover. "You have that wrong, Schuldich. I've never-- " 

#Really?# Little flashes of memory started to appear in his mind together with Schuldich's voice. #Just a few nudges, that's all it took and you had Fujimiya neatly trussed up in your wires before he had time to register your attack.# Shadowed images of the struggle in their sleeping quarters appeared in his mind along with Aya's voice. 

//"Youji! What the hell? Let me go!"// 

#You can't remember how pissed off he was with you, thinking that you were playing?# 

//"Youji, stop it! What are you doing? This isn't funny. Youji?" Flashing lavender eyes bored into him, their expression changing from anger to apprehension when the owner found himself pushed back onto the bed.// 

#His fear when he realised something was really wrong?# 

//"Youji? Youji, let me go. What's wrong with you? Youji?! Say something to me! Youji!"// 

"It wasn't me! I wasn't in control!" Youji struggled valiantly to get his body to move as Schuldich knelt down in front of him. 

#So you'd rather blame me?# 

"I wouldn't-- " 

#You started it.# A finger reached out to stroke teasingly over his lips. #I certainly wasn't the one who suggested gagging him. I would much rather have heard him scream.# 

//"Youji, why are you doing this?! Youj-- mmmpth!"// 

#You were positively vicious with his clothes.# The nasty smirk in the mental voice drew a shudder from the helpless man as another mental image was shoved at him. Of lavender eyes staring at him in fear and confusion as the knife flashed between the wires, slicing at the orange sweater and later at the blue pants. #You had him scared for a moment that you'd use the knife on him. Then shocked when your true intentions became clear. He was much too uptight, wasn't he? So hard to work up into the mood.# 

Another mental image, this time of his hands and lips, teasing and roving over pale skin as Aya squirmed under him. Youji shook his head. The images were detached to him; He felt no part of the action in him. Instead, he felt like a voyeur watching from the sidelines as a stranger molested his friend. 

#So you gave up and decided to satisfy yourself first? 

#He gave out quite a lovely little shriek when you took him so forcefully. You didn't even deign to prepare him for that rude intrusion. I thought it was such a waste that only I could hear it, and the thoughts that went with it. The poor little kitten was so confused and betrayed. But I had to end that little-- misunderstanding, I certainly couldn't let you have all the fun.# Schuldich chuckled at the memory. #Smart lad. Understood immediately what was going on when he saw me. There was such hope in his eyes that you'd come to your senses when I appeared. Unfortunately, I'd already disengaged that part of your mind. You don't know how long I've been waiting for a chance like this.# 

The bottom fell out of Youji's world. Suddenly, he was transported into a different realm filled with the full array of the five senses. He was no longer in the meditation glades but back in the warehouse loft; Back in the little room with a bound and gagged Aya lying helpless between him and Schuldich. 

He could feel his sex surrounded in the tight heat of his friend... Could feel the trembling back pressed against his chest as his hands stroked over the binding lengths of wire to seek out hard pebbled nipples... Could taste the sweat and tears flowing down the helpless man's face as he stretched out a tongue to bath the pale cheeks... Could smell the sharp scent of blood and sex... Could see Schuldich's bright red hair as his head bobbed up and down from his position over Aya's lower body... Could hear the hiccuping drag of breath in Aya's throat as he tried to resist their attentions... 

Just as abruptly, the memory image changed again and he and Schuldich had switched places. Aya now seated in Schuldich's lap, his back arched in pain and his head flung back against the German's shoulder as he panted soundlessly into the gag. Youji could feel his lips sucking on and exploring the sweet hollows of the exposed neck, working in concert with the other man as he nibbled and kissed along the arch of Aya's shoulder. He could feel the texture of smooth skin under one hand as he helped Schuldich steady the writhing figure between them, while the other closed around and stroked Aya's warm hard sex. 

#Poor brave little kitten. Kept trying to empty his mind of any thought and prevent himself from dwelling on what we were doing to him. Refused to give me any satisfaction, he kept thinking... Such sweet tears. I didn't know he would really turn out to be such a crier in real life. He'd shed dream tears too, but not nearly as much-- # 

"Bastard!" Youji tore himself away from the memories and found himself leaning over and retching on the grass of the glade, the blood pounding in his head. 

A hand reached into his hair and yanked his face up again to look up at the German. "How could you not retain even a little bit of memory, Kudou? Fujimiya was such a tasty little morsel. We took him together again and again. You were a f$%king sex maniac." 

"I don't remember anything!" 

"A night of the best mind blowing sex I ever had, and it's a blank for you?" Schuldich shook his head sadly. "Beyond even my wildest dreams-- Ahh, Yo-tan, you don't know how frustrated I've been, trying to get anywhere with the kitten. He always managed to throw me out of his dreams before we got too far. But last night..." Schuldich sighed contentedly. "I *had* to take a little memento." 

Youji stared at a familiar earring dangled between Schuldich's fingers. 

"Of course I had contemplated just taking the kitten instead. It would have been so easy, you know? You were already far too gone in exhaustion, and he tied up too effectively to struggle. But I didn't feel up to lugging a piece of dead weight after me. Maybe next time." Schuldich twirled the earring between his fingers. "So, I just took this. I'm sure the kitten didn't mind. He didn't throw so much as a thought of protest at me when I removed it." 

That did it. Something snapped within Youji at that point and he suddenly found himself able to move. Schuldich was caught off guard. Youji heard a satisfying crunch from his knuckles' contact, as his other hand reached out to snatch the earring from the suddenly slack hand. The German's speed, however, saved him from any further damage. 

"Damn, yew booke mah nose." Schuldich's green eyes flashed in anger as he clutched at the injury. "'ow did yew b'ake 'oose?" 

"I don't care about any thing but killing you!" The wires flashed out again. 

The German man nimbly avoided the arcs of deadly intent. "D'ought we coo'd do id again, yew an' me." Youji tried not to let his uncertainty show as Schuldich drew his gun from the concealed holster. "Guess, id'll jusd be me an' der kidden nexd dime. Yer' noo fund. 

"Or maybe I share 'im wid' Schwarz." Youji tensed as his opponent's finger started to tighten on the trigger. 

A dart tore at Schuldich's hand knocking the gun away before he could fire. Schuldich and Youji looked up to see Ken and Omi standing at the gates to the glade with bugnuck and darts held ready, respectively. 

"Should have brought backup, Schwarz." Ken's voice never sounded more welcomed to Youji's ears. 

Schuldich growled as he nursed his injured hand. His eyes darted around him like a cornered rat as he took in the menace that practically rolled off the three Weiß members. But his expression of worry didn't stay too long as it quickly shifted to confidence. 

Alerted, Youji caught a glint from another side of the glade. "KenOmigetdown!" He sent his wires flying, his accuracy spot on to deflect the thrown grenade towards the wall. The resulting explosion showered everyone with bits of plaster and rock as a wall in the garden was demolished. 

"Schuldich!" Youji picked himself off the grass and swung around looking for the German. But he was already gone. "Damn!" 

"Crawford?" Ken asked as he approached the cursing man. 

"Pre-cogs." Youji growled as he straightened his clothes. "He must have interfered. Blasted German's probably too preciou-- Where's Aya? What are *both* of you doing here?" 

Omi rolled his eyes. "He's with the trailer. Where else would he be?" 

"You left him *alone*?!" 

Ken's bare-knuckled fist smashed into Youji's face dumping the startled man on his butt. "Youji, I've about had it with you today!" Youji blinked up at him as he noted Ken's other hand holding the missing glove in his clenched fist. 

"Aya sent us after you. After he had a chance to rest, he's *fine*. You didn't hurt him that badly. He is *not* an invalid because of what happened. He was caught off guard *only* because he thought he was with you and not some *mind controlled puppet*! Aya's *still* just as capable of defending himself before last night happened as he is *right now*! The worst thing we can do for him is to coddle him and make him feel that we think he's helpless! 

"If you want to talk lame brain-- *You're* the one who ran off. What did you think that accomplished, huh? We haven't even figured out how Schuldich managed to get control over you and you ran! What if he screwed with your head again and sent you back after us, heh? And just *how* do you think Aya felt when he found you missing after what happened last night?" Ken lifted Youji back to his feet by the lapels of his shirt and stared straight into his eyes. "How do you think he would have felt-- if we didn't find you in time and Schuldich killed you?" 

Youji felt his face colour, as he turned his face away, unable to meet Ken's eyes anymore. Ken let go of his shirt and started to tug on his arm instead. "Come on, we'd better get out of here before this place starts to swarm with police. I don't think they'll be very happy about the new hole in the wall." 

Youji nodded almost timidly as he started to follow after the younger man. "Ken? How did you know where to find me?" 

"Aya-kun suggested we might find you here." Omi volunteered. 

"Aya?" 

"We were looking for you for hours. How he guessed..." 

"Well, we'd better get back. I doubt he'll be pleased that we left him to work the shop alone the whole day." Omi hurried them. Breaking into a run, the three Weiß members managed to slip away without being stopped. 

* * *

The sun had already begun to set by the time the three men reached the warehouse where they had set up a temporary home. The mobile Koneko no Sumu Ie hadn't been where they had driven it to earlier in the day, so they guessed that Aya had already closed the shop and returned to base. Youji was grateful for Ken and Omi's company in their journey back. If it weren't for them, he was not sure if he could have mastered the courage to return. He certainly didn't know how he could even look Aya in the eye again, much less continue to live in such close quarters with him. 

They tried to keep his mind preoccupied with their little tales of the places they'd gone when searching for him. Youji couldn't believe that they could so easily forgive him. Their words echoed in his mind again as they approached the warehouse. 

//"Youji-kun, Aya-kun was the one who was hurt and he maintained that you weren't to blame."// 

//"What happened... With Schuldich involved..." Ken shook his head. "It's not for us to judge or forgive, Youji. That's between the two of you. But we *will* be angry with you if you don't talk to Aya about it."// 

Youji hesitated before the entrance to the warehouse, suddenly afraid of the impending meeting. The encounter with Schuldich still disturbed him and he was no where nearer understanding what had come over him. Schuldich managed to seize control of him again, yet why was it that this time, he remained aware and conscious. Was it because he fought back? Was Schuldich right? Deep down, did he really want to rape Aya? Was that why it was so-- easy for him to attack Aya? 

"Youji-kun?" Omi's voice intruded on his thoughts, reminding him that they were waiting for him to enter the warehouse. 

Ken's hand came out to rest on his shoulder. "Talk to him, Youji. You owe him that." 

Youji took in a deep breath to brace himself before he reached out to open the door. To their surprise though, it wasn't Aya who was sitting in their small living room waiting for them. 

"Oh, it's about time you returned." Birman turned towards them holding a box of Chinese take out. "Aya-kun and I finished eating 10 minutes ago. I was about to put these away before they got cold." 

"Birman? Do we have a mission?" Omi asked warily, his eyes drawn towards the stairs to the loft since Aya didn't appear to be in evidence. 

"Not tonight." She waved them off and gestured for them to sit at the table which was laid out with more boxes of Chinese take out. "I'm here to give you some skills upgrading. Aya-kun called Manx earlier to report that Schwarz appeared to have survived just as you have. He also mentioned that he encountered Schuldich who apparently has become more proficient with his telepathic powers and so Weiß needs to sharpen their techniques on blocking the man. I'm the trainer for that, so I came to give Aya a refresher course and to teach you. 

" Persia inferred from Aya's report that this safe house could be compromised, so we're going to move you again. Manx will be calling you in the morning with information of your new base." Birman nodded to the trailer and pointed a thumb upwards. "As usual, take the trailer and any personal belongings, Kritiker will take care of the furniture and fittings." She huffed slightly as she glanced at the coffee table with the takeout boxes of Chinese food. "Humph! I think I got conned into buying you dinner. Aya-kun said that he was manning the store alone so couldn't go out and pick it up himself." 

"Bedrolls in the trailer again?" Omi groaned as he rolled his eyes. But a glance at Youji told him the older man wasn't fooled by his expression. They were all rather relieved to be given a chance to vacate this particular safe house. 

"Refresher course?" Ken waved off the prospect of the move in the morning and focussed on Birman's earlier pronouncement, his curiosity perked. "When did Aya learn this?" 

"Well... He said I could open the case files to tell you. I'm not sure how much you know of this, but Aya-kun was formerly in Kritiker before he left to freelance and later join Weiß. He has clashed with Schuldich before, during his early months with Kritiker. 

"The first team Aya-kun was assigned to in Sendai was betrayed from within and he came out of that mission as a sole survivor. We were not aware of it then, but Schuldich had apparently been lying in wait for him with his return to Tokyo. The man got into his mind and almost succeeded in making him commit suicide. Fortunately, Manx had been checking on him and managed to pull him out of it. Kritiker had to put Aya-kun through therapy and a crash course in mind blocking techniques before they'd let him out again." 

They were shocked. When they first met Aya, they thought he was intensely focussed and cared not for his own conscience. But... "Aya-kun was suicidal?" 

"No, Schuldich made him *think* he was suicidal." Birman corrected him. "Aya-kun already learned the basic techniques of mind blocking, but apparently mental and emotional stress can give skilled telepaths a back door to exploit." Birman explained as she passed a plate of spring rolls to the youngest of the Weiß members. "At that time, it hadn't been all that long after the accident which orphaned Aya-kun and put Aya-chan in a coma. Money problems associated with Aya-chan's care were part of the reason why Aya-kun joined Kritiker. On top of those money problems, he was also suffering from survivor's guilt with the loss of his team from that failed mission. Schuldich found those 'wounds' and exploited them before Manx interrupted. 

"Unfortunately, the boy does sometimes take things to extremes in closing himself off. And couple that with his sensei's doctrine of 'no emotions'... Manx has told me before that Aya-kun was very different when he was just 'Ran'." Birman sighed as she looked up towards the loft where their sleeping quarters were. "Not that he still didn't slip occasionally to allow Schuldich to invade his dreams when he was mentally stressed. But at least he's had no problems with Schuldich seizing control again." Birman looked back at them and at the still half filled takeout boxes. "Anyway, will you finish eating this? I want to start your crash course for today. No missions until we're through the syllabus. We should be done within a week." 

"Should we call Aya-kun to join us? 

"He's already been through this before. We finished his review while we ate. I think I gave him a headache though. He said he needed to retire early." Birman shrugged as she turned away to reach for her files, totally missing the look Youji gave the other two. 

**tbc**

* * *

Thanks for reading.

[Jacque Koh][1]

   [1]: mailto:firewolf@pacific.net.sg?Subject=WK - Mind Games



	3. Mind Games - Part 3

**DISCLAIMER: Kyoko Tsuchiya and Project Weiß hold the copyright over all names, likeness and rights of Weiß kreuz. All these characters and materials are used without permission, and I'm not profiting from this piece of fan fiction.**

* * *

#  **Mind Games**

Part 3   
By **[Jacque Koh][1]**   
**May 2000**

In its third hour, Weiß were ready to call it quits. Birman seeing their strained and somewhat glazed looks decided to take pity on them. 

"Ooww, how many days do we have to go through this?" Ken groaned as he rubbed eyes tiredly. 

"One week. Ten days if you're going to be difficult." Birman told them heartlessly as she put away her teaching materials. "But you *are* going to pick this up before I'm done with you." 

"Slave driver." Youji groaned teasingly as he rubbed his temples. "Can see why Aya has a headache now if you crammed a whole course into a one evening review for him." 

Omi was quiet as he regarded the stairs up to their sleeping quarters. Youji followed his gaze. He wasn't so slow as to miss the unasked question. 

"Put it off long enough, haven't I?" He pulled himself to his feet and moved across the room, hesitating slightly before he started up the stairs. 

"Is something the matter?" Birman asked them quietly. "Aya-kun wasn't forth coming in telling me why you decided to leave him in charge of the shop by himself. And-- I noticed he didn't have his earring." 

"Er-- Youji and Aya..." 

"We found his earring. Youji-kun's just returning it." 

"Oh?" Birman's expression was one of a woman who knew she was being lied to 

* * *

Youji stared stupidly at Aya's empty bed for a moment, blinking as he took in the change in the room's colour scheme. As Omi and Ken had explained, they had taken the time to shop and totally revamp the interior of their bedroom. It showed most clearly in the now coloured bed sheets, with abstract patterns of bright blues, yellows and whites. The colour change certainly transformed the room into a more cheerful place, vastly different to the stark white and shadowed room it had been before. Youji certainly thought it was effective enough to avoid reminding Aya of the environment of the previous night. Only Aya wasn't in his bed. The redhead was no where-- 

/Correction, he's-- / Youji stared at his bed. Aya was under the blankets and curled up in the centre of Youji's bed facing him. It took Youji another minute to realise that his eyes were open and he was studying him. 

"How was your first lesson with Birman?" 

At Aya's words, Youji shook himself out of his daze. "T-tiring." 

"Know what you mean. So-- how do you feel?" 

"Aya-- I-- " Youji moved to kneel beside his bed and look straight at him. "I don't remember-- I'm-- I'm sorry." 

Aya closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he answered. "I know." He opened his eyes to look at Youji again. "Do you understand what happened now?" 

"Yes-- no, well not exactly." 

"You were angry." 

"I was?" 

"Yes." 

"What did I say?" 

"Nothing. You didn't say a single word to me. But your expression..." Aya swallowed hard at the memory his voice softening to a whisper. "You were so angry, I thought-- I thought it was somehow my fault-- like-- you were hurting me-- because-- you felt that-- that I-- deserved..." 

Youji gaped at him in stunned horror. /Your fault? How could you think-- ?/ 

"Youji?" 

He felt too shocked to think properly to reply. 

"Youji-- s-- say something to me-- Yo-- " 

Youji came to his senses when he realised his silence was making Aya worried. "I-- Aya-- Aya, how can you think that?" He reached out slowly to grip the hand Aya had resting beside him. "I'm the one in the wrong. How can you *think* it was your fault? No one deserves to be raped; to have their trust betrayed like-- Damn it, Aya! How can it be your fault?!" 

"Your expression when-- " 

Youji looked worriedly at his friend. His voice was so low and subdued... frightened. Looking at him now, Youji's senses screamed at him. This wasn't the Aya he knew or remembered. His guilt twisted deeper within him. He wondered how much courage it had taken for Aya to force himself to lie back and settled into the bed in which he had been raped. Why? Youji could only guess that he was trying to confront his fear head-on rather than run away from it. After all, they would have to leave in the morning. That didn't leave them very much time to deal with the traumatic memories associated with the warehouse. 

"Aya-- " Youji reached out with his free hand to brush Aya's bangs out of his eyes. 

"You know-- I-- I didn't realise you hated my orange sweater quite that much." 

Youji had a brief flash of memory of Schuldich telling him how viciously he had cut the sweater off his helpless friend. "Oi! It's a terrible colour for your complexion and hair." He coughed trying to lighten the mood. "Orange, yuck, the *clash* with your red hair... Blue. I think you'd look good in blue, or even white. You should let me take you shopping to get some decent stuff. " 

"I-- I'd like that." 

A short awkward silence fell over them before Aya spoke again. "Does it-- bother you that much, Youji?" 

"It? Er-- " Youji stared blankly at Aya for a moment before understanding dawned on him. "Oh! You mean to be attracted to another man? Honestly? No. I've been with men before, not as often as women of course. But-- you-- I-- " 

"That wasn't it?" Aya frowned at him, suddenly unsure of himself again. "I thought you resented me because-- You were-- very angry, Youji-- It-- it felt like you were deliberately-- trying to hurt me..." 

Youji closed his eyes and looked down in shame as Schuldich's words echoed in his mind. //" He gave out quite a lovely little shriek when you took him so forcefully. You didn't even deign to prepare him for that rude intrusion."// 

"Aya, I-- I'm sorry." Youji looked up at him again. "That wasn't it-- really. Hey, I have no problems, but I'm not-- I mean-- you-- well-- It's not that you're not-- er-- " 

A faint smile drew on Aya's lips, and Youji could see an expression of relief in his eyes. "I don't love you either, Youji. At-- at least not like that." 

Youji let his breath out in release, a small part of the tension easing in his chest. "You had me worried for a moment there." His expression changed to annoyance when he thought about Aya's words. "Aya-- Damn it, stop trying to find excuses for me! Not liking being attracted to someone is a piss poor excuse for rape. 

"And even if I was attracted to you, that gives me *no right* to force myself on you and try and claim that it's 'okay' because I 'love' you. That's bullshit! There's *no* justification for rape! Ever! What I did to you was unforgivable!" 

"Y--you'd never have-- done it if not for Schuldich-- " Aya swallowed at the memory. " Why, I don't exactly know, maybe it's because I was the first person who ever successful resisted him. But Schuldich has always been trying to provoke me, he's a familiar enough presence in my nightmares. I didn't mentioned it before because I could handle him. I never-- expected him to use any of you to get to me. 

"You were-- angry about something, Youji. Enough that Schuldich could twist that feeling. Birman told you what happened in my last encounter with mind control, didn't she? Schuldich made me feel so worthless it-- I nearly killed myself... It *isn't* 'natural,' Youji. Even in my darkest moments... on my own, I never considered suicide to be an option. 

"He latched on to a seed of an emotion. What was it then?" 

"I-- I honestly don't know... I was angry? I don't know why..." Youji closed his eyes, trying to calm himself and engage the analytical ability that made him a successful PI in the past. /A seed of desire? And what is rape? An instrument in a twisted game of power and control; used to humiliate, demoralise... break the spirit of the victim and make the attacker feel-- superior?/ His hand tightened over Aya's cold fingers. /Is it true then? Some small part of me-- resents Aya for-- for what? For being my friend? Or.../ Youji could feel Aya's fingers curl around his thumb and give it a gentle squeeze as he waited patiently. 

//"You want to know the source of your nightmares? What drew me to you like a moth to a flame? Guilt."// 

/Guilt?/ Youji frowned thoughtfully at the memory of Schuldich's words. "Lately, I-- lately, I've bothered by nightmares of-- of-- Asuka. 

"Funny how that started... I-- After all that excitement with the SS and Schwarz-- After we linked up with Persia again and he gave us the trailer van to make Weiß a more mobile unit-- I didn't-- I didn't think about her for a long time. Held her in my heart and thoughts for over two years... 

"Oh God... I killed her, Aya. No-- that's not exactly right... I strangled the woman who was a physical image of-- Asuka-- as she lay across my back-- saying she loved someone else with her dying breath. It tore me apart-- I-- thought everything within me had died that night-- Yet-- yet, these few months-- I forgot about her. Until recently... Saw this woman walk by with a hat exactly like hers and it all came back." Youji closed his eyes as he tried to organise his thoughts. "The nightmares started then. Nightmares of Asuka screaming at me for not caring 'cause I forgot her; of seeing her killed; of killing Neu..." 

Youji's brow creased as he tried to remember what else happened in those dreams. "She-- she'd accuse me of forgetting her in favour of you guys... I-- I guess-- it was partially true. With this whole new situation-- travelling together in the trailer van, sharing a bedroom again like in a dormitory, the daily bathroom battles..." 

Aya quirked a smile at the reminder. "We had to adapt to living together closer than we ever thought possible. After those first couple of days, we didn't do too badly." 

"You got that right." Youji rolled his eyes at the memory of their almost nightmarish time of adjustment, when they kept getting into each other's way in cramped conditions. "Imagine how things would have turned out if we were pushed together like this at the start." 

"We'd probably have quit or killed each other inside of a day." Aya chuckled. 

"Probably." Youji coughed slightly before he brought his mind back to his earlier train of thought. "For all the initial difficulties, we got closer. We joked around a lot more. I think we got to know each other better in these few months than in the last two years. And I liked that. 

"Only... I guess-- with Asuka-- I felt like I betrayed her memory-- felt guilty for-- for-- " 

"For moving on?" 

Youji looked up at Aya and blinked at his statement. "Guilty about forgetting and moving on... That's probably-- and I resented you guys for making me forget, for helping me to let go..." Youji swallowed at the clarity which suddenly hit him. "And I blamed you the most because-- of what we had." 

They fell silent again as Youji looked down at his hand where it rested over Aya's. 

"It doesn't have to be in the past tense, Youji." 

"Aya--" Youji jerked his head up to stare at him. "Aya, how can you forgive me?" 

"You weren't in control, Youji." Aya's eyes locked him firmly into his gaze. "I know that. I know what mind manipulation can do. I nearly committed suicide under someone else's control. I-- still trust you, Youji. Schuldich-- " 

"Is a dead man the next time I see him." Youji's hand tightened over Aya's protectively. He growled to himself remembering the promise Schuldich had given to return and take Aya away. Then recalling the skirmish with Schuldich, the older man reached into a pocket and held out an earring to his friend. "I recovered this for you." 

A faint smile pulled at Aya's lips as he accepted the earring. "Thank you." 

"Do you want to put it back on?" 

"No. It's probably time for me to move on too." Aya sighed as he studied the earring. "I first wore this to remind me of my vengeance, and of my sister. But now, Takatori's dead and Aya-chan's awake. I used to live just for revenge and for her. It's time I lived for myself." 

"So... you want us to call you by your real name now?" 

The redhead looked up at Youji with a challenging smirk. "Think you'll be able to get used to calling me 'Ran' instead?" 

"It'll be confusing for a spell, but we can certainly try-- Ran." Youji reached out to take both of Ran's hands in his. "I'm-- I'm sorry, Ran." 

"I know, Youji." Ran said softly as his hands squeezed back. "But the past can't be undone and I want to move on from this too." 

They fell into a companionable silence for a moment before Youji spoke again. "So, what do we do now?" 

"Get some rest?" Ran shrugged. "Manx will be calling us in the morning to tell us where we'll have to move." 

"Okay. So... Are you just warming my bed for me here?" 

Youji winced as Ran flinched at his words. He didn't draw his hands out of his grip, but Youji could see his breathing becoming a bit more rapid. 

"I'm sorry. It's okay Ran. I can take your bed-- " The older man tried to come to his feet and leave the side of the bed. 

"Youji." Ran kept a firm grip of his hands, refusing to let the man draw away from him. "I don't-- I don't want to be afraid of you." 

"Ran, don't force it. We're moving too fast." 

"Here. It has to be here, Youji. Please, I need to beat it here." 

'Painfully practical' the descriptive words he had once used to describe Ay-- Ran to Ken and Omi fleeted across his mind. Youji frowned at his friend in concern. However much he felt it to be wrong to force the issue now, Ran wanted to deal with it. Youji sighed inwardly. He had little doubt that Ran had earlier determined what he need to do for the welfare of the team when he deliberately took Youji's bed to make sure they talked. With himself, probably more so than with others, Ran was determined to be utterly ruthless with his feelings, but Youji could not turn away from that need. Even compared to the debacle over Neu, the quiet strength that was their friendship had never been so fragile before. And he knew that if they couldn't work this through now, it would never be the same between them again. The unity of the team may have been saved, but Schwarz would have succeeded in destroying the friendship that was so precious to them. 

/Aya-- Ran is trying so hard. Do I value this friendship any less? What do I do?/ The solution came to him quickly as he saw the plea starting on Ran's lips. 

"Shh, I'll stay. You don't have to ask anymore, Ran. We can beat this together. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable with me." 

The redhead swallowed and nodded in thanks. They stayed in that position for a while longer before Youji broke the silence again. "F-- feel up to having me slide in beside you? If you start feeling bad, you can kick me out of bed, okay? You know, I'm probably lucky we weren't given bunk beds, a fall from an upper bunk would have hurt." 

Ran released a snort of laughter at the thought. "You're that confident I would have let you take the top bunk?" 

"Well, by yaoi convention I get to be top since I'm taller." Youji waggled his eyebrows at him. 

This time, Youji was relieved to see that the teasing drew out a laugh from his jittery friend. But he still felt a slight tightening of the grip on his hands. "Only if you're comfortable, Ran." Youji softened his tone as he gave the still cold hands a gentle squeeze. "Please, don't be afraid of me." 

Ran chewed on his lower lip, visibly trying to get himself to relax as he gave Youji a nod of acquiesces. Youji released Ran's hands and moved quietly to the chest of drawers to pull out a set of pyjamas. He regarded them wearily. Normally he was of the school that luxuriated in the feel of bed sheets against bare skin, but after Weiß started rooming together, he had to push aside that indulgence for the sake of modesty. It had taken some getting used to for him to sleep with clothes again, and occasionally when he thought the others wouldn't notice, he'd sleep in the nude just for the hack of it; Not tonight though. He shucked off his jacket and quickly changed out of his day clothes. Ran had already scooted over to one side of the bed to give him some room when he returned. 

Carefully, and without any sudden movements, the older man settled under the blankets beside his trembling friend and gently pulled him closer. "It's okay, Ay-- Ran. I'm not going to hurt you." Youji soothed as he drew Ran's head to rest against his shoulder. 

They tried to settle down, but Youji could still feel Ran trembling against him. "Are you all right?" Youji murmured worriedly into his hair. 

"I don't-- I don't-- Youji--" Ran choked as he tried to control his breathing. 

"Ay-- Ran, everything's going to be all right." Youji could feel the wetness of tears against his chest. "I'm here, okay? Not Schuldich. It's Youji." He crooned gently. "If you want me out of this bed, I'll get out, okay? I won't go far. I'll be near by. You can still kick me out of bed if you feel like it." 

"No-- stay." Ran's words came out in a shuddering breath and Youji had felt his hands tighten on the fabric of his pyjamas as if he was just as afraid that he would leave. 

"Ken and Omi are downstairs. You're not alone. We're all here, Ran." The trembling started to subside. Youji was no dummy, he could make the connection that Ran was only able to relax because he was talking to him. Something he hadn't done when he was in Schuldich's control. "Birman's going to be putting us through hell over the next week with those lessons of hers so that we'll be able to shield our minds from Schuldich from now on. Okay? Gods, that woman's a slave driver." 

"Th-- the lessons aren't that bad." Ran coughed, taking deep breaths as he tried to control his racing heart. "You're lucky she's willing to stretch it out so long." 

"Stretch it? She's only giving us a week to master all those mental exercises." 

Ran chuckled. "Exactly. And that's only 'cause she's giving you the lessons in the evenings. Believe me, Youji. The full day classes are worse." 

"I'm glad we have a day job." Youji winced at the thought. "Damn, I don't remember hearing the door. Birman might still be down stairs." 

"I trust her to be discrete." 

"Yeah, but if she sees us like this now, how are we sure she won't get the wrong idea?" Youji could feel the younger man yawn and start to relax against him now. 

"What? You think Birman's a closet yaoi enthusiast?" 

"She and Manx both." Youji snorted. "I'd bet anything they have a library of doujinshi stashed somewhere. You have to watch out for the quiet ones, you know. Just think of the mess we'll have if we leave them to choose our next safe house. Any idea where Kritiker might move us?" 

"Birman didn't know. Manx will call to tell us in the morning." Ran laughed softly, his body slowly loosing the tension as they talked. 

"Ride with me as usual?" 

"Wouldn't miss a chance in your roadster." Ran yawned. "'specially since Persia didn't let me keep my Porsche." 

"Told you my baby was far superior." Youji looked down at Ran teasingly, starting what he knew was an age-old argument between them. 

"Hey, no fair. I'd didn't object cause I thought you were more attached to that anachronistic jalopy than I was to my car." Ran murmured sleepily against his shirt. 

"Anachronistic jalopy?! My little *classic* roadster an anachronistic jalopy? Humph!" 

Ran chuckled softly at Youji's insulted tone. 

"Hope they find a new place for us quick." Youji yawned as he stared at the ceiling. "I like my comfort. Bed rolls in the trailer aren't exactly comfortable." 

"Humph, you're getting old, Youji." 

"And who are you calling old? You're not *that* much younger than me, you know? And don't tell me you're going to look forward to walking out to a public toilet if you need to take a leak in the middle of the night." 

Waiting for, but not hearing a response, Youji looked down to see that Ran had finally drifted off and was now completely relaxed against him, his breathing soft and even in sleep. Feeling eyes on him, Youji looked up to catch a glimpse of three heads peering over the edge of the stairs at them. When he heard an unfamiliar giggle, which he was sure came from Birman, he scowled at the thought it invoked. Not that he cared very much if Birman was going to think he and Ay-- Ran were a couple. But it *would* be awkward if she passed the message on to Manx and the woman arranged to give him and Ran a separate room with a single bed. 

Omi realising that they had been noticed pushed himself up a bit higher to gesture silently at him that they'd clear up matters with Birman. Youji breathed a sigh of relief, he could trust Omi and Ken to know the truth. Now he had to hope that they could convince Birman, which from the sound of the heated whispers, was apparently a difficult task. /Damn, the woman *is* a yaoi freak./ 

Then all of the heads disappeared as the trio went below. The slight scrape of the door opening and closing followed announcing Birman's departure. Omi and Ken didn't return to the loft though. Youji guessed that they were going to give them some privacy, stay below and stretch out on the couch for the night. 

Youji sighed contentedly as he drifted off to sleep; his heart, this night, feeling lighter for the reconciliation with his best friend and the talk he had needed so badly. Tomorrow would be another day, Weiß would move again, find another place to set up shop, assured at least that the place they were in now would not hold nightmares for one of their numbers. 

Asuka appeared in Youji's dreams again that night, but it was of her smiling at him and encouraging him to move on. He awakened from that dream to find himself still cradling Ran in a protective embrace, the younger man sleeping peacefully against him, untroubled by nightmares. Youji had to marvel at the courage it took for Ran to accept him so quickly. However, he had to be honest. Despite the success of this night, the healing was far from over. Ran would still need their support for days and months to come. Schuldich was another matter. Ran needed to face him again, if only to banish the memory of his helplessness in his presence. Youji swore that he would be there by Ran's side when they faced him again. It would be difficult, but Youji promised himself that he would not coddle Ran in dealing with the German. 

Unfortunately, these were statements easily made, but difficult to act on. Youji realised belated that his arms had tightened unconsciously around his sleeping friend, when Ran shifted in his sleep. He eased up on his grip, hoping that his movement had not awakened the redhead, or worse, triggered a nightmare. But Ran only murmured something unintelligible and snuggled closer. 

As he studied his friend through sleepy eyes, Youji had to remind himself of how lucky he was for Ran's quiet determination to not let Schuldich's cruel game destroy the friendship they shared. He knew that the gift of forgiveness was far too much to ask for, yet Ran had given that to him without question. "Your friendship is important to me too, Ran." Youji rumbled softly into the red hair under his chin as he closed his eyes. "Arigato o gozaimasu." 

**The End**

* * *

Thanks for reading.

[Jacque Koh][1]

   [1]: mailto:firewolf@pacific.net.sg?Subject=WK - Mind Games



	4. Side story - Reflections and Regrets - P...

Summary: Crawford foresaw Schuldich's actions, yet he did nothing about it. Now, well after the fact, he sees how great a mistake that was.

Spoilers:   
Anime: Mission 9 - Schreient; Mission 13 - Bruch; Mission 15 - Duell; Mission 19 - Sehen; Mission 21 - Trane; Mission 22 - Miteid; Mission 23 - Schraube; Mission 24 - Ende des Weiß; Manga: Weiß and Weiß2: An Assassin and White Shaman; Dramatic Collection II ~ Endless Rain.   


* * *

**DISCLAIMER: Kyoko Tsuchiya and Project Weiß hold the copyright over all names, likeness and rights of Weiß kreuz. All these characters and materials are used without permission, and I'm not profiting from this piece of fan fiction.**

'Mind Games' was supposed to be a single chapter story. But after hearing the feedback, the muse decided she wanted a side story from Crawford's point of view. The American, she insisted, isn't satisfied with the small mention of having arranged to save Schuldich's hide. And I never did dwell on Aya/Ran's point of view about what happened to him. sigh> There was more to the story that I left unsaid, so here is some of it. Hope it appeals to some of you.

# 

* * *

Reflections and Regrets

**Part 1**   
(A Mind Games side story)   
By **[Jacque Koh][1]**   
**July 2000**

/I wonder what he feels about my scrutiny?/ The thought runs fleetingly through Crawford's mind again as he discretely looked over his newspaper to where the Mobile Koneko no Sumu Ie is parked. /I know he noticed me hours ago./ 

Despite knowledge of his presence in the café across the street, still the Weiß redhead did not appear to be unduly worried or nervous to be alone and without the company of the rest of his unit. Any outsider would easily take him for an unassuming florist plying his trade on the busy thoroughfare in Kyoto. 

Crawford snorted to himself at the thought. /*If* it is considered normal for a florist to be surrounded by starry-eyed schoolgirls vying for his attention./ 

Crawford had to admit that he was greatly amused by Weiß's other vocation. When Schuldich first told him of the daytime activities of Weiß, he had been properly sceptical. Yet in his afternoon scrutiny of the man, Crawford observed that he appeared to know his trade rather well. /Correction-- it should be little wonder, considering the bit of history that Nagi managed to dig up on Ran Fujimiya's early training in Sendai. That he had been attached to a-- Flower Arrangement Centre./ 

A cough of laughter escaped the American's throat again. The pure incongruity of the idea that an assassin could masquerade as a florist-- it made him shake his head. He couldn't deny that it was effective. Certainly none of the customers would ever think that the man who made them those beautiful flower arrangements was a cold-hearted murderer. In spite of the smear job Takatori tried to do on Weiß, the public did not believe that the well liked *florists* could have been the feared assassin group. Certainly, once Takatori was killed and order restored to Tokyo, Weiß had easily reopened their shop with apologies and compensation provided by the government for the 'regretful' harassment visited upon them. This bit of news had amused Schwartz to no end when they found out about it. 

Given that example, it made Crawford wonder whether he should have Schwartz take up a 'harmless' daytime profession too; If only to ward away the boredom that frequently descended on them between jobs. He couldn't think of what would fit his unit though. Run a bookstore? A pet shop maybe-- Nagi would be amused, as would the surviving Schreient girl, Toto. The two kids certainly didn't have very much of a normal childhood. It might even be a welcomed escape to let them play with and care for the pets in the store. Though what could they do about Farfarello, or even Schuldich... 

/Schuldich./ The name brought Crawford's eyes off the newspapers to look at the Weiß redhead again. To his trained eye, it was obvious that the man was in a great deal of pain. So much so that he couldn't entirely mask his distress from the bubbly schoolgirls that surrounded him. Furthermore, Crawford was aware of a faint tremor of tension, which appeared from time to time. /How could they have left him alone? But... then again, how could they not?/ 

After the events of the previous night, Crawford could sympathise with Kudou's confusion and guilt, but his running away was certainly ill-timed. The strategist in him cursed Schuldich for 'wasting' this unique opportunity of control for a night for 'fun'. No advantage could be taken of it now, Weiß was sure to take steps to ensure that none of their members would ever lose control like that again. So after a 'fun-filled' evening, what was gained? They knew Fujimiya to be too practical a man to let the events tear the team apart. With proper counselling and support, he would himself, recover from the trauma with time. 

Time... Crawford looked up from the newspapers to regard the Japanese man again. For a 'morning after'-- Fujimiya was holding up remarkably well. True, Crawford could see the lines of strain, and some of the more observant customers, for that matter, could tell that he wasn't exactly well. But few if any would ever guess why. 

The Schwartz leader frowned at the memory of seeing Fujimiya sending his team-mates off to look for their missing member. He didn't have to be a mind reader to guess that the two younger men were extremely reluctant to leave their friend unaccompanied, but there seemed little choice. Certainly, their missing compatriot was a cause of concern for them, given that Schuldich must have managed to take complete control of him just hours earlier. It *would* be disastrous if the German seized control a second time and sent him back after them. It was far safer to locate him as quickly as possible, and that required at least two of them taking part in the search. They could not risk sending out just one and having him attacked-- just as the redhead had been attacked. How ever vulnerable Fujimiya felt after last night, he *would not* risk a repeat of the offence happening to his comrades. 

His team-mates didn't like it. That was plainly obvious, even from his distant point of vantage. Nevertheless, Crawford could understand why they didn't want to challenge his orders. If the man had been injured 'normally', they would have taken his orders without worry, trusting that the precaution of leaving him in a busy public area was sufficient to safeguard him from attack or molestation. How ever concerned or protective they felt about Fujimiya now, after the violation of the previous night, they knew it would be the greatest blow to his confidence if they treated him any differently. And the last thing they wanted to do was to undermine his faith in his own ability. At least Fujimiya did not appear to resent their precaution in swinging back to touch base with him a couple of times through the afternoon. But Crawford had to wonder again how the man felt about his presence just across the street. 

From his observation, the afternoon alone had not passed easily for Ran Fujimiya. Most of his customers were not aware of his discomfort, but it was clear to Crawford that the man would become jittery when the press of the crowd got too thick. A couple of times, he noticed that the man would nonchalantly move into a position such that he could lean his back against one of the display stands, as if taking assurance of something solid behind him. Once he had even retreated into the trailer for a few minutes, leaving the store unattended and the schoolgirls waiting and wondering what the emergency was about. So the man *was* unsettled. Yet he hadn't appeared to have bothered to inform his team-mates of his scrutiny. Why? Was he just being reckless? Was he silently rebelling against his team-mates' barely concealed protectiveness and worry for his well being? Was Fujimiya that confident he wouldn't take any action with so many witnesses? 

/Or does he just know you well enough?/ 

Crawford couldn't suppress the flash of the image which had come to him the previous evening before Schuldich had left them. He had known what Schuldich was up to. He'd had a clairvoyant vision of what was about to take place and he had stepped out of his room in the next instance to see the German man standing at the door ready to leave. Yet, he didn't say anything. Schuldich's challenging smirk even made him wonder why he was showing concern for an enemy. 

But when the German returned the next morning-- appearing at breakfast smelling of blood and sex. Holding a familiar earring between his lips like a cigarette... Crawford would swear that he felt nothing for the members of Weiß. Yet-- he still felt the heavy weight of-- guilt. 

Nagi was the first to break the silence. His voice low and subdued at the careless nonchalance the German exuded as he sauntered towards the breakfast table, unmindful of his rumpled appearance or of the stink surrounding him. "You're-- not gay, Schuldich. Why did you...?" 

"Why not?" The German sucked on the earring as he twirled it between his fingers. "Maybe because he's always managed to evade me in his dreams. Maybe because I was never able to leave a lasting impression on him before. Maybe I'm just addicted to him. Maybe just because. 

"The opportunity was there, why not take it. He was so tight and perfect..." Schuldich's green eyes had turned dreamy at the memory of his early morning activities. "Such a sweet little kitten." The German wrapped his arms around Crawford from behind and purred into his ear. "Could I bring him home with me next time, daddy?" 

"To what end?" He had kept his eyes on his newspaper, refusing to look up or squirm in the man's embrace. "Kritiker reveals very little to their field agents. It would be a waste of time and energy--" 

"Bradley! You can't be *that* unimaginative? A waste of time?" Schuldich had laughed in his ear, given him a quick peck on the cheek and stolen his toast before retreating to his room to sleep for the rest of the morning. 

He had felt Nagi's eyes on him after Schuldich's departure. He did not need to look at the boy to know that he was disturbed. Was it just worry? For his own, or maybe for Toto's safety? 

"We do not hurt our own, Nagi." He had offered the statement to the boy, hoping that it would ease his new-born discomfort with their German compatriot for the activities of the previous evening. He had not expected the unsaid accusation in Nagi's reply. 

"I-- don't think anyone-- is deserving of rape, Crawford. Not even our enemies." 

Crawford looked up then, but the boy was already gone. His breakfast left half eaten on the table. Should he have been surprised that the boy would be troubled? It wasn't more than two years ago when he had searched for and picked up the little street urchin. How it had come about, Crawford couldn't tell. But when he first laid eyes on the filthy little ragamuffin, he felt responsible for the boy. He often worried, but he didn't dare press Nagi to talk about the 'hurt' inflicted on him before they met. The boy would never talk about his months, or was it years, of living on the streets. In his time with them though, Nagi did come far from those days of silence and fear. 

Truthfully, Crawford was happy to see Nagi's interest in the Schreient girl, Toto. It was only with her that Nagi took the initiative to start a relationship, and even to venture out on his own beyond the walls of their safe house. However, Crawford had not liked it at all when he received his visions of Nagi's apparent death with the girl. The boy had tried to listen to him that once. Had painfully distanced himself from the girl when her team first clashed with Weiß. But when given a second chance, after the girl had survived the first death trap, Nagi had turned defiant. Crawford had gone so far as to raise his hand on the boy. Then threatened to punish him if he insisted on trying to protect Toto from the sentence of death passed down by the SS. But Nagi proved willing to lay down his life for his love and ignored his warnings. 

When Crawford returned to the demolish mansion later, thinking to retrieve Nagi's lifeless remains, he couldn't say what shocked him more. That the two children had survived, or that Nagi forgave Crawford for his attempt to change the future and protect him from possible death. 

Young love... Despite the fulfilment of his visions, seeing how they had actually survived, Crawford had done everything in his power to make sure he'd gain legal custody of Toto so that they'd never be separated again. As long as Nagi had Toto, Crawford had hope that the boy would heal and eventually deal with his past trauma instead of suppressing it. And slow as it was, he thought Nagi was beginning to finally open up. Until Schuldich decided to play his games... 

In the silence that he had been left in, Crawford could not help but dwell on Schuldich's actions. He *had* known-- had seen what Schuldich was going to do. Yet he did nothing. Nagi-- it was clear that the boy considered him a party to the rape because of his inaction. And now, every bit of trust he had built between himself and the boy lay in the dust. Was that fair? 

It was times like that that Crawford wondered why he put up with Schuldich's idiosyncrasies. For all of Farfarello's mental instability, there were days when he felt that Schuldich was far more unstable. Crawford could even pinpoint the moment he had first noticed Schuldich's unnatural obsession with Ran Fujimiya. When the German realised the boy had noticed him and later escaped unharmed from the explosion that killed his parents and put his sister in a coma. At sometime during the brief encounters and clashes that followed, Schuldich had taken to habitually trying to get under the other man's skin. Fujimiya had managed to stay out of his clutches. But clearly, this time Schuldich won. 

A high pitched squeal of a schoolgirl brought Crawford out of his thoughts to look back at where the Weiß redhead still ran the flower shop. He wondered again how the Weiß members could stand to be surrounded by starry-eyed schoolgirls every day. They were 'jail bait,' as the expression went in some parts of America. And really, some of them had voices that could bend metal. Then again, there were also the few unusually helpful specimens. Fujimiya was certainly fortunate that a couple of the more observant girls were aware of his masked distress. He did not make much of an issue to have them be his feet in retrieving flowers and supplies for him. Indeed, with their assistance, he had managed not to move very much for the last few hours. The man was a study in the economy of movement as he stayed at the workbench, while the helpful girls supplied him with all the materials he needed to create his beautiful bouquets and arrangements. Had he not been in pain, Crawford was sure that Fujimiya would not deign to let them fuss over him so flagrantly. 

The thought made Crawford frown as his earlier question resurfaced in his mind. Above all else, he knew Fujimiya to be practical, and he was aware of his physical limitations, enough to bury his pride to accept the assistance the girls offered. So why hadn't the redhead reacted or even told Weiß when he first noticed him across the street? 

/Because he knows you are not Schuldich, who might do something out of amusement. You have nothing to gain by attacking him in the open. It would be a wasted effort. Just as your current preoccupation with watching the Weiß redhead is a waste of time./ 

Crawford shook his newspaper in irritation, pretending to turn the page. Sometimes he hated that little voice in his head that would pop up and give him the simple answers he'd be agonising over for hours at a time. But the voice was right, it was a waste of time. So why was he here now, silently watching Ran Fujimiya with no intention of posing a threat to him? 

/Just a show, to distance yourself from Schuldich's actions./ 

His hands crushed the edge of the papers. Crawford had to ask himself if it was possible to deny responsibility anymore? He *had* known what Schuldich intended to do, and he did not interfere. To Nagi's eyes, he had a hand in the brutal rape too. Nagi... So was that it? He felt bad about the disappointment the boy had felt in him. Nagi had practically accused him of condoning the rape of the Weiß redhead with his inaction. He *could* have done something about it. He received the forewarning. But he let it happen-- and it was far too late to do anything about it now. 

Crawford finished crushing the newspapers in his hands. He wondered why he even bothered to keep up the charade, since he knew that he had been spotted hours ago. He couldn't deny it anymore. He felt bad about what happened. He *never* regretted his jobs before. Not for killing his targets. Not for the hurt caused to others as a consequence of completing his assignments. He certainly felt no regret for his hand in the deaths of Fujimiya's parents, nor his involvement in the SS debacle which threatened the lives of Aya Fujimiya and Sakura Tomoe. 

/But... rape was different./ 

//"I-- don't think anyone-- is deserving of rape, Crawford. Not even our enemies."// Nagi's words haunted him again as he looked up to see Ran Fujimiya speaking with a dark-haired woman. 

At that moment, a flash of a precognitive vision sped through his mind. Crawford cursed as he reached for his cellular phone. /Damn it, Schuldich! Don't you know when to leave things well enough alone?/ 

His hand hesitated over the keypad. Crawford realised that he could choose not to do anything again. Perhaps let Schuldich receive his just deserts at the hands of the furious Weiß. He fleetingly wondered how long they would take to kill him. Siberian, especially, didn't exactly look very forgiving. Crawford could recall that Hidaka had struggled to keep his emotions controlled in Fujimiya's presence. But once the younger man had turned away to leave, his expression had darkened like death's spectre. 

The man was clearly on a short fuse, both from anger at what was done to his friend and from worry over leaving the said friend relatively 'unprotected' while they searched for their missing compatriot. The ex-professional soccer player looked to be the most unpredictable of Weiß right now, and possibly the most dangerous. It had not missed Crawford's notice that Hidaka now had bagnuks attached to *both* his gloves. From the vision, Crawford knew that Schuldich was going to be confronted by the three Weiß members, and he started to wonder if Schuldich, with his much vaunted speed, would be able to survive an all out attack by an enraged Siberian. 

Crawford let his breath out in a sigh. As entertaining as the idea was, he couldn't let Weiß relieve Schwartz of the German. As hateful as he thought the man could be, Schuldich was still useful. He hit the speed dial and waited for the party at the other end to answer. His inaction was a mistake and he could no longer deny it. He knew he had failed Nagi's expectations once, but he promised himself that he would not fail again. As long as he could interfere, he would not stand by and let Schuldich abuse anyone again. For now, he hoped Nagi could forgive him for what he was about to ask him to do. 

A familiar voice soon came on line. "Nagi? Do you know where we keep the grenades? ... Good, go get one, there's someone I need you to bail out. ... Yes, it's Schuldich. ... Yes, we have to. ... No, I can't do it. He's at the other end of the city, I'll never get there in time. ... Just get the grenade, you have half an hour to think about it and another half hour to get there. ... Yes, you will, Nagi. ... They usually are, Nagi. ..." 

**tbc**

* * *

Thanks for reading.

[Jacque Koh][1]

   [1]: mailto:firewolf@pacific.net.sg?Subject=WK - Reflections and Regrets



	5. Side story - Reflections and Regrets - P...

**DISCLAIMER: Kyoko Tsuchiya and Project Weiß hold the copyright over all names, likeness and rights of Weiß kreuz. All these characters and materials are used without permission, and I'm not profiting from this piece of fan fiction.**

* * *

#  Reflections and Regrets

**Part 2**   
(A Mind Games side story)   
By **[Jacque Koh][1]**   
**July 2000**

"Sayanora, Aya-san. We'll be sure to be here early tomorrow to scold the others for deserting you when you're not feeling well." 

"Rest well, Aya-san." The girls giggled as they departed clutching the small bouquets of Camellias Aya had made for them for the help they rendered to him through the afternoon. 

He was happy to give them the sweet arrangements, for sparing him from the world of hurt he would have been in that afternoon if he had been forced to be more mobile. He dreaded to think of what he'd have to endure after Birman returned from her 'foraging' mission. He truthfully wasn't overly concerned about the review she was proposing to give him. Aya would admit that he was occasionally sloppy when he was under stress, but he had kept up adequate practise so that his mental shields were tight enough to repel someone of Schuldich's strength. However, he couldn't deny that he was rather vulnerable now, especially with an almost constant reminder throbbing behind him. It only made him think of the agony he'd have the endue when he got behind the wheel to drive back to their warehouse base camp. 

A twinge of pain gripped him, again making Aya regret not letting Ken and Omi bring him to a doctor. That morning, they were so depressingly awkward about wanting him to get a medical examination, but not willing to pressure him into agreeing to it. He should have listened to them, but he just couldn't-- He didn't know if he could handle facing an intimate examination, much less the questions that were sure to be asked. 

Once he woke up that morning, he had taken a shower and stayed under the cold spray for a long time, building his nerve to make a cursory examination. By whatever mercy that was granted to him during that nightmarish assault, he didn't think they tore him open. At least-- he didn't feel that there was an open wound that needed stitches. But it still hurt and according to Ken, he had bled quite a bit. So... he probably had an internal tear. And what other consequences were there? Infection? How about STDs? Youji-- he trusted Youji to use condoms and practise safe sex. But how careful *was* Schuldich with his sex life? 

A couple of times during the day, he had changed his mind and given in to the sound reasoning that he *had* to see a doctor about the assault. But each time when Ken and Omi returned to report their activities, he had lost his resolve. It wasn't that he didn't trust them, Aya hastily reminded himself. He had accepted their comfort, let them clean him up and put him back in bed. Aya loved them as his friends and family, but he didn't think he could handle having either of them with him at the doctor's clinic. 

How was he to handle this then? He didn't know if he had the courage to see the doctor on his own. If he wanted someone there for moral support, who then? Birman? Manx? He'd trust their discretion, but would they believe him? Aya swallowed hard and he could feel his face burning in shame at the thought of their scrutiny. Who would believe that he had been raped, other than those involved? Not him. He couldn't believe it himself, even when it was happening to him. 

Reminded of one other who he'd guess would know of the events, Aya threw a quick glance towards the café that was across the street. The American was still there. No longer making any pretence of reading the newspapers, but he wasn't looking at him either. Instead, he appeared to be staring at his cellular phone as if it would bite him. Aya frowned to himself wondering when the man would finally make his move and reveal why he had spent almost the entire afternoon watching him. 

His hand reached up again to unconsciously grip his left earlobe, the feel of the emptiness there sending yet another chill through his heart. He jerked his hand away guiltily. He had managed not to think about it for most of the day, surrounded as he was by chattering admirers and customers. Part of him wished that Birman would hurry back quickly before he could be sucked back into his thoughts with the quiet that now surrounded him. 

Aya tried to tell himself that he had to let it go. That the earring did not mean anything to him now, since his revenge was complete, and his sister awake from her coma. But it felt so strange not to feel the comfortable weight that he wondered if he could ever get used to not having it anymore. It meant nothing-- it was really more an irritant to remind him of his vow to avenge his parent's deaths. Initially, it had caused him only pain for the unaccustomed weight. In fact, the resolve to keep the earring as a memento of revenge had been nearly squelched not long after he started wearing it when he had a troublesome, though thankfully brief bout with infection when the piercing had gone septic. He told himself that there were more bad memories attached to the earring than good ones and he was well rid of it. With his revenge satisfied and his sister awake, he had *no more* need for it. 

But-- Manx had told him that Aya-chan had actually kept a grip of its mate the whole time she was shuffled between Schreient and Schwartz. That Sakura-chan now wore the earring in his memory, perhaps waiting for their return. If only... If only he had thought to remove it earlier, he might still have it among his belongings to remember *them* by. Instead, Schuldich had the earring. Should he feel bad about that? If-- he had not been wearing the earring, wouldn't-- wouldn't the German have taken him as he did threaten to do. 

Aya could feel his heart start racing again, the fear and the tension suddenly returning like a crushing weight. He forced himself to breathe deeply and slowly. Clearing his mind of the thoughts that plagued him over what had happened. He unconsciously reached up to touch the unadorned earlobe and he again jerked the hand away, cursing himself for dwelling on the loss. 

/I *don't* need it anymore!/ He wasn't even sure if he wanted it back. Not after Schuldich removed it and made sure he was watching as he lovingly sucked it before his eyes. Did he really want it back? The very image of that slender piece of jewellery was-- fouled. Just as he felt soiled for what was done-- to him. 

Aya chewed on his lower lip as tears threatened to escape his eyes. Yes, he wanted it back. He could not leave it with the German. Schuldich would hang it over his head as a constant reminder of the horrific night. He had to get it back, but not to wear ever again. It served no more purpose that way. He only wanted it back to keep and move on. Remembering only it's significance to his sister and that young girl they had left behind in Tokyo. *Not* Schuldich. Not anything that had to do with the night. He would get it back and he *would not* let the German soil that memory. He-- he-- 

The memories slammed into him again, making him sag against the side of the trailer. He remembered his utter helplessness to take any action... the pain and humiliation... the betrayal he had felt to see Youji-- to have him-- Aya's hand reached for his earlobe again. Angry with the unconscious action he pinched it hard, the brief pain bringing him back to his surroundings and away from the memory of the dark warehouse loft. 

/You will not cry. You *will not* cry. Tears are useless. They only make you look weak. Ken and Omi-- it frightened them to see you so-- so weak and needy. And it only amused-- it amused *him* most of all./ Aya chewed on his lower lip breathing deeply to force himself to calm down again. /Tears were useless... Schuldich didn't care. Not even Youji cared. 

/Youji.../ 

Try as he might, Aya couldn't suppress the shiver which ran through him at the memory the name evoked. He had to hand it to Schuldich for the well executed assault. He had been *totally* caught off guard. Youji *was* the last person he would have expected to attack him, given the close friendship they shared. An image of Youji's strangely dead but rage filled eyes came to him again. Aya leaned his back against the trailer, trying desperately to throw off the memory's hold over him. /It's *not* his fault. Schuldich has shown this power before with me, and most recently with Sakura Tomoe./ 

A small smile quirked on Aya lips as the image of a face so much like his sister's appeared in his mind. But the smile disappeared just as quickly as his thoughts of the girl darkened. At their last meeting, he had told her that he would explain 'things' to her once it was all over, but he never did. Instead departing Tokyo with Weiß, not even returning to let his sister see him again after she woke up. 

She had tried to get close to him, but he wouldn't let her. Sakura-chan had an innocence about her that he did not want to stain with his own guilt, anymore than he wanted to befoul his sister's purity with his presence. Not for the first time did he wish that Sakura-chan had taken the hint on that fateful mission when she accidentally found out what he did 'on the side', and removed herself from his affairs. But she didn't leave, and eventually fell prey to Schuldich's manipulation. Aya couldn't begin to describe how shocked he was to see her step between him and the leaders of the SS on that chaotic airstrip. Then, to see Schuldich wielding his power over her... He made her brandish a gun at him. Despite her obvious distress and unwillingness to harm him, her aim was still sure and true. To be fair, Sakura-chan couldn't be expected to resist Schuldich's powers when she did not have the basic training demanded of all Kritiker agents. Unlike-- Youji... 

/It's not his fault./ Aya reminded himself fiercely. /Something's been bothering him, you've known that for sometime now. Schuldich just-- slipped past his defences. He's done this with *you* before. 

/It's not Youji's fault./ 

It hurt to remember how betrayed he had felt when Youji forced his way into him. 'What did I do to make you hate me?' That question kept returning to him. Even now when he knew Youji had been under Schuldich's control during the rape, the question still remind, if to a lesser degree. Aya had always thought their friendship to be strong, even through the trying days when Youji was trying to remind Neu of her past as Asuka and ignored his concern for his kidnapped sister. But he must have been wrong, since obviously some spark of hate must have existed for Schuldich to have magnified it enough to have it manifest in the brutal rape. 

Just a little seed of an emotion was all Schuldich need, as he had proven in that time long past when Schuldich first invaded his dreams. Lying in a hospital in Tokyo, alone and hurt having just failed in his first Kritker mission and lost his team... Aya could remember awakening to Erika-- Manx's critical scrutiny, to have her call him a failure to his face. He had felt worthless then, wanting nothing more than to crawl under the blankets and hide from her accusatory expression. 

It was just a fleeting thought. That was all he had of the idea that the world might be better off without him. Aya would swear that he didn't dwell on it for very long. He had dismissed it, reminding himself that he still had his desires for revenge and that he still had Aya-chan to take care of. Schuldich slipped into his dreams shortly after Manx had left him to sleep. The German had been all insinuation then, and dripping with disturbing sexuality. Worming his way past his rudimentary mental defences, throwing twisted memories at him of his sister and his late team-mates, and giving him no peace in his sleep. 

He had been fortunate Manx decided to check on him after his assignment to the Tsushima Training Centre. He supposed she might have been uneasy over his apparent overnight change of personality from being somewhat easily readable, to becoming tightly closed and withdrawn. She was the one who had caught him and shaken him out of Schuldich's control before he managed to kill himself with Shion's sword in the privacy of his own quarters. 

He had no memories of the events leading up to his attempt at suicide. He didn't remember when he had picked up the sword, or even the pain of slicing open the vein of his left arm. The only thing Aya could recall was Manx straddling his recumbent form as she desperately held his sword arm pinned to the floor. It took him a moment longer to realise that the blood generously splattered over their clothes and the surroundings belonged to him. Then he blacked out from blood loss. Manx had been decidedly gentler in speaking to him when he awakened in the hospital the second time, embarrassed and confused over what had happened to him. 

//"It's not your fault, and we can make sure it never happens again."// She had assured him before putting him through a hellish three days of training. Not to mention making him see a psychiatrist for the week following that. But at least Schuldich lost control over him. Remaining at best, a fleeting irritant that he could easily brush off. At worse, a nightmare he could still tear himself awake from. The German hardly bothered after that, and apparently lost interest in trying to torment him. That is, until he joined Weiß. 

"It's not Youji's fault he lost control." Aya reminded himself firmly as he pushed himself away from the trailer. "Birman's here to train us and make sure it won't ever happen again." 

Still, he knew some part of Youji resented him. It made him consider that there must have something he said or had done wrong. Something horrible enough that friendship could not make Youji forgive him for having done. But for the life of him, Aya couldn't figured out what it was. An image of his friend's enraged expression filled his vision again, making Aya feel so cold that he folded his arms tightly in front of him. /I'm sorry, Youji. What did I do wrong to have made you so angry with me?/ 

He was shaken from his thoughts by the faint sounds of a chair sliding back, bringing his attention back to the American. Aya pushed aside all other thoughts to gaze expectantly at the approaching man. Without looking around, he could sense that there was a moment of true quiet around them now. The streets were almost empty and there appeared to be few if any witnesses in close range. Aya knew that he was hardly in any shape to face an all out attack. Still, he wasn't worried. If necessary, he could painfully hold his own until Birman returned, but he seriously doubted he was in any danger. 

From their encounters, he knew Crawford to be a purposeful man who did not believe in wasting any effort when there was little or nothing to gain from it. If he was to be honest about it, Weiß were fortunate that Takatori Reiji had chosen to dismiss the services of Schwartz when they had brought the battle to him, or they might not have so easily killed the man. Unlike the German, the American was not one to play games, he was direct and to the point. If Crawford intended to attack him, Aya had little doubt that he'd already be fighting for his life with what little adequate instruments he currently had at his disposal. 

Not by a flicker of expression did either give any indication that they knew each other as they stood facing each other in awkward silence. Outside of missions, there had never been any reason or opportunity to interact. They had last clashed as enemies, but with nothing to gain on either side at this moment, there was little purpose for them to step into their usual roles of adversaries. So what now? 

Crawford finally broke the silence for them. "I-- would like a small arrangement." 

"Do you have any preference or style?" 

"Ikebana?" 

"Any vase preference?" Aya wondered if there was a slight challenge in the American's eyes with the question. As if he was seeking an answer to a query; perhaps if Aya had learned more than sword work under Shion's tutelage. Whatever the intention, it seemed a harmless enough revelation to make. "There are different styles, Nageire, Moribana, Jiyuka ..." Seeing no recognition in Crawford's eyes, he backtracked to the older styles. "er-- Rikka is used more for temples, maybe Shoka--?" 

"F--freestyle will do." 

"If you wish, I can give you a stand to suit the flowers you want for the arrangement." He tried to hide a slight disappointment in the man's choice of a modern style. Despite his earlier resistance to Shion's guidance in using floral arrangements as an outlet to his emotions, Aya had to admit that he did come to like immersing himself in the creative process. Since the majority of their clientele were young girls, he didn't have much opportunity to indulge in the art. "Any particular preference?" 

"Have you any hyacinths?" 

Aya frowned as he indicated the appropriate display and watched curiously as Crawford browsed through the selection. "The current trend is for buds or half blossoms, most of my hyacinths are in full bloom though. But if that's your preferenc-- " He did not let his surprise reach his eyes when the American turned back and offered him a stem of purple hyacinths. 

"Actually, I have another flower in mind for the arrangement." Crawford locked eyes with him and deliberately dropped his mask. "Th--they say a florist can create secret messages in their compositions." 

"A-- " To see true regret in the American's eyes-- this time, Aya let his surprise show. "A French writer in the Victorian era published a dictionary of the 'Language of Flowers.' I-- I am-- familiar with it." He lifted his hand slowly to accept the stem of purple blossoms. 

**tbc**

* * *

  
FYI Flower meanings that I've found:   
Camellia = Gratitude   
Purple Hyacinth = Sorrow

Thanks for reading.

[Jacque Koh][1]

   [1]: mailto:firewolf@pacific.net.sg?Subject=WK - Reflections and Regrets



	6. Side story - Reflections and Regrets - P...

**DISCLAIMER: Kyoko Tsuchiya and Project Weiß hold the copyright over all names, likeness and rights of Weiß kreuz. All these characters and materials are used without permission, and I'm not profiting from this piece of fan fiction.**

* * *

#  Reflections and Regrets

**Part 3**   
(A Mind Games side story)   
By **[Jacque Koh][1]**   
**July 2000**

Aya leaned against one of the wooden pillars that supported the bedroom loft as he watched Birman setting out the Chinese takeout. He could feel a smile quirk on his lips to hear her humming contentedly in this domestic exercise, reminding him of how like his sister the woman could be when she wasn't on 'duty'. Contrary to her current image though, he knew Birman was a tough and dangerous woman, something he would never say about his sister. It remained one of his strange dichotic impressions of her, this secretary of Persia. 

Crawford had, fortunately, already left before Birman returned, Aya wasn't sure how he'd have explained his visit to her. Ironically, the leader of Schwartz had provided him an excuse to push the driving of the van onto the unsuspecting woman. The solution had only struck him when Birman, on her return, asked him why he was looking so thoughtful as he twirled a stem of purple hyacinths between his fingers. Aya had immediately pondered aloud to her, over creating an Ikebana arrangement with the purple hyacinth as a primary flower, which he had never attempted before. The statement had intrigued Birman as well, so she did not feel it strange to be handed the keys to the van while Aya retreated to the back of the trailer to look over the materials he had. 

In truth, he did not spare much thought to the Ikebana arrangement. Instead, he spent the time staring at the stem of purple blossoms Crawford had offered to him-- and which he accepted. /Why?/ That question ran though his mind again. /What was Crawford's purpose in offering a token of regret? Did he really mean it?/ And was he so impressed by the remorse he saw in the other's eyes to accept the flower? 

Aya was still been pondering these questions well after Birman parked the trailer van in the warehouse. She had been amused to find him sprawled on the trailer's living room couch still silently contemplating the hyacinth with nothing else accomplished. He good-naturedly endured her gentle teasing of being stumped by the challenge. Idly watching her now as she lay out the utensils and plates, he wondered whether he would be comfortable telling her about what had transpired the previous night. 

"Birman--" 

"Yes?" 

Aya almost hissed at himself. His sigh had slipped out before he could retract it. Seeing her look expectantly at him, he decided to ask about a piece of a past that surfaced in his mind after the incident with Schuldich. "Just curious, but did Kritiker ever finish building that trauma centre Manx talked about when she was still Erika?" 

"It's up. Why? Did Schuldich--?" Her eyes softened as she rose to her feet and placed a hand on his arm. "Do you want to talk about it?" 

Aya blinked at her and wondered if she saw the brief flicker of fear in his eyes at her perceptiveness. "He didn't seize my mind again, Birman. It-- just reminded me of that time. I-- was just asking." 

"Kritiker does care about our agents, Aya." The dark-haired woman regarded him carefully. "We have counsellors to handle everything from job stress, which in our organisation sometimes involves survivor guilt; to torture and rape trauma. We can hardly leave our agents to deal with it alone, you know. Especially not the men when we're talking about rape." 

"Rape?" He almost squeaked, his mouth feeling suddenly dry. 

"A woman can at least approach organisations for Women's Services, and there are help lines at rape crisis centres that they can call. But few of these places are equipped to handle a male caller. Male rape is probably more prevalent in society than we care to acknowledge." Birman huffed in annoyance. "Just as a woman might find it difficult to admit or report a rape, it must be even more intimidating for a man because of societal perceptions." 

"Oh." 

"We have more male agents than we do female... Lets just say our internal statistics are more skewed towards assisting the men because of that." 

"Oh." Aya really didn't know what else to say about her statement. 

"Aya, did something happen to-- the team?" Birman asked him carefully. She gave him that opening. Not pushing or demanding. Letting him decide if he felt comfortable enough to confide in her. 

"Birman--" He fought the tears his eyes was threatening to shed at her gentle understanding, reminding him again of why he had ultimately decided to follow her into the Koneko no Sumu Ie in Tokyo so many years ago. Tired of being alone again since his term with the Crashers unit was over, he had not accepted her offer then with revenge in mind, but for the team she proposed that he join. (Though he did have second thoughts about it, when Ken punched him across the room on seeing him in the shop.) She was offering him a chance to open up, but he-- didn't feel ready to talk about it with anyone just yet. At least, not before he had a chance to talk to Youji. 

"Thank you, but there are things that-- need to be discussed amongst us first." 

"Please understand, Aya, no one should feel shame in it." She told him softly and gave him a gentle squeeze on his arm before turning her attention back to laying out the table. 

He looked away from her to twirl the stem of purple hyacinths between his fingers, comforted by the assurance of her support and understanding. However, the long cluster of flowers he held quickly brought him back to his earlier train of thought and questions flooded his mind again. Did the Schwartz leader offer it in assurance? Why did he care? With his precognitive abilities, he must have foreseen what Schuldich would do and allowed it to happen. So why try and offer an apology-- after the fact? 

/Because there is nothing else to be done about it but regret and offer a promise that he would not let it happen again?/ Aya's fingers tightened on the stem of the flower, bruising it slightly with his indelicate grip. 

He thought again of the Ikebana arrangement the American had bought from him. Crawford seemed deliberate in his choice of the primary flower. And if he was certain who it was intended for... what did it tell him about Crawford's sincerity? 

* * *

Crawford entered the apartment that was Schwartz's current abode to hear cursing coming from the kitchen. 

"Ooow! Nahgi, yew don' 'ave tah be so rough." 

"Well, unless you want it to heal crooked, you'll stop getting in my way and let me finish." The boy smirked at him heartlessly. 

The American managed to stifle his laugh before Schuldich could notice his presence. He was glad that Nagi put aside his disdain enough to save the man's life, but apparently the boy chose not to interfere *before* the German had received some damage. Crawford kept his mental shields tight as he regarded them. No one could fault Nagi's attentiveness in treating the injury, but he was not being particularly sympathetic towards Schuldich and it showed in his rather clumsy efforts in resetting his broken nose. 

"Oooooww! Nahgi!" Schuldich wailed again, then noticing Crawford standing at the kitchen door, tried to garner some help from their leader. "Cwofowd, ged him tah stob f$%kin' aroun'." 

"I *am* trying to help," Nagi protested innocently. "If he'd only stop fidgeting--" 

"Do it properly, Nagi." Crawford dropped a wink at him that Schuldich couldn't see as he strode in to drop the arrangement Fujimiya had made for him in the German's lap. 

"Whad's dis for?" Schuldich eyed the triangular looking arrangement of yellow carnations, gypsophia, and pothos suspiciously. He pulled at the dry brown leaves of the pothos that appeared to artfully dance around the blossoms. "Yew god cheaded, dese are supposed tah be fresh. Nod halv dead." 

"Actually, it's exactly how I wanted it. Just something I thought I'd pick up for you to go with this." He poked Schuldich's nose deliberately, eliciting another cry of pain from the harried man. 

"Ooowww!" Schuldich's hands flew over his much-abused nose and turned away from them. His curses muffled. 

Nagi looked up at Crawford with a question in his eyes as they waited for the German to stop cursing. He shook his head gently and placed a hand on Nagi's shoulder, giving the boy a gentle squeeze. "Why don't you run off and take Toto to a movie? I'll take care of him." 

"It's-- very nicely done, but-- Yellow carnations?" Nagi arched an eyebrow at him. 

Crawford shrugged. "Wanted Peonies as well, but the florist argued against adding them. He said that the colours he had available clashed with the yellow." 

"This, from someone who wears an ugly ora--" 

"He has a better eye for flowers." Crawford cut him off meaningfully with another squeeze to his shoulder as he guided Nagi towards the kitchen door. "He is a professional and it shows that took some convincing on my part for him to agree to my request for the leaves." 

Nagi surreptitiously glanced back at the still cursing German before he looked up at Crawford. "I didn't know you were familiar with that text." 

"You forgot who bought you the book to share with Toto. Now shoo!" Crawford pushed the boy out the door and watched him hurry off with a light step. /One of these days, you will need to open up and talk about it, Nagi. Fujimiya has Weiß. I hope you'll eventually understand that you can depend on me./ 

**The End**

* * *

  
FYI Flower meanings that I've found:   
Purple Hyacinth = Sorrow   
Yellow Carnation = Disdain   
Peony = Anger   
Dead leaves = Sadness, sorrow

Before any one asks, 'Yes' I do have a sequel to 'Mind Games' on the drafting table. sigh> We have yet to see Schuldich's point of view to understand what motivated him. Weiß has to adjust and learn not to be over protective of Ran. And Ran needs his confrontation with Schuldich. But please don't hold your breath waiting for it.

1) I'm still not sure that I have enough story elements to spin a good yarn; And   
2) I have to be fair and turn my attention towards my other fandoms for a while. (If possible, I seem to be obsessing over Weiß kreuz right now. ^_^;;;)   


Thanks for reading.

[Jacque Koh][1]

   [1]: mailto:firewolf@pacific.net.sg?Subject=WK - Reflections and Regrets



End file.
